The day I discovered anti-depressants aren't magic

     I discovered something really interesting the other day...anti-depressants don't actually eliminate depression. I thought when I first went on my medication that that's what would happen. Pop a pill every day and POOF! I would be back to my normal self. Instead, anti-depressants help ground me and level out things like my serotonin and dopamine levels. It has certainly helped my depression be much less. But I was shocked one day about a month ago to discover that it wasn't just gone.
     I had what I refer to as "an episode"- for me that involves not getting out of bed, having no appetite, having a physical pain in my chest that basically feels like an endless chasm of darkness, crying util I can't see and my anxiety being almost uncontrollable. These episodes don't happen that often, but when they do, they are bad. When it happened this most recent time, I remember being absolutely terrified, thinking that I was going back to the bad place like before. In my mixed up head at that moment, if I went back to how I had been before my medication I wouldn't come back. Physically and emotionally I could not handle it. Plus, why was I having an episode? Wasn't the medication supposed to stop all that?

     Over the past two weeks or so, I've gotten an answer that has shocked me. Simply put, NO. The depression doesn't just disappear because I take my medicine every morning. It's been about six months now and I am still struggling. Depression is something that has always been extremely prevalent in my family, so I've no doubt that it was passed down-a lovely chemical imbalance, no doubt. Whatever the "true" reason, I have a feeling I'll deal with this for a good while.
     Here's what I've begun to notice: I struggle with depression (and anxiety-yes, both. It's hellish at times) on a daily basis in varying degrees. Pretty much anytime I have plans with friends, I have to talk myself into going. Sometimes it's just being overly negative toward myself (this is one of the hardest for me. I'm very good at telling myself I'm not enough) or getting unnecessarily overwhelmed at work (basically having an anxiety attack when I think about everything I have to get done that shift). Other times it's like a fog over my whole person and I can't even pinpoint the source (we call this me "being in a bad time" when my family isn't sure what exactly it is). Some days are better than others. Most of the time it's just as simple as being unable to turn my overactive brain off. On occasion, this has been my thought process: 

          What should I eat for lunch? Pizza sounds good. No, you can't eat that! It will just make you even more fat and then no one will find you attractive (kind of like they do now). Don't you want someone to ever love you or do you want to be alone forever? Maybe I'll eat a salad. But what if I'm chopping cucumbers and I cut off my finger and die from an infection? Mom and Dad could never afford my funeral. I don't want to die! Oh man, what time is it? I have three hours until I have to be at the chiropractor. What do I have to get done? What if I'm late? I can't be late. I should work out. But that takes so much energy and commitment. There's really no point. I'll just stay fat. Oh. I'm not even hungry anymore. 

     Sadly, this isn't exaggerated. Most of the time this is how my brain runs. After this, I usually get hit with a depression wave and I'm upset and moody and irritated for no "real" reason. A lot of times I'm not able to explain what exactly I'm feeling. It is completely exhausting.
     The worst past is that few people actually understand what depression and anxiety feel like, so trying to explain what it feels like seems ridiculous. Hiding it just seems easier. Those of us who do struggle with it don't want people to think we're making things up or trying to draw attention to ourselves, but in reality we can't control when it comes on or what form it takes, or even how long it will last. All we know to do is fight silently.
     Here is the part where I want to encourage those of you who do struggle with depression and/or anxiety. 

1. There is no shame in your battle. It's real and it's hard, even if other people don't always get it. 

2. Get help if you haven't already. Schedule an appointment with a counselor. Talk to your doctor about options (anti-depressants do help, even if doesn't provide a magic cure). 

3. Let yourself have bad days. This is something I've been working on. Give yourself grace. You're doing the best you can and that's enough.
     You are a fighter and you're killing it. I love all of you dear friends battling a mental illness. You're amazing. Don't let yourself think anything else.