10 Things to Know When You Love Someone with Depression
10. It isn't a choice
I think I've said it before, but depression is not a choice. most often it is the result of a chemical imbalance (which is naturally not a conscious decision) and it comes and goes whenever it feels like it. Some people experience it for a short time, others for a lifetime. Please don't keep believing that depressed people are the way they are because they want to be. Most people I know would do anything to make it go away for good.
9. Don't assume anything because you "know" about depression
A lot of people assume they understand what a depressed person is going through because they think they know about depression. That's like saying you know what it's like to be a bear because you've read about them. Even if you have suffered with depression, you probably still won't know exactly what they are going through completely. While many of the symptoms or side effects of depression are the same, they effect everyone differently. It is tailored to each individual. (Though I'm not saying you shouldn't try to empathize or understand, we'll get to that in a bit.) --Side note: I have found that talking with other people currently struggling with depression is quite helpful though even if our forms of depression are not the same.--
8. Accept the side effects even if you don't understand them.
Some of the most common side effects of depression are as follows:
**Exhaustion, anxiety, weight gain, dizziness, irritability, and insomnia, among a host of others.
To people who have not dealt with depression, a lot of these things seem ridiculous in relation to depression, but they are all very real. Just let it happen without trying to explain it away. (Again, not everyone experiences the same things-or in the same way- those are just the most common across the board.) Please know that for a lot of people these impact the simplest things in life, like attitude, getting out of bed, walking across the room, or going to the store. The layers of challenges are ridiculous and often insanely daunting. There is much more beyond just being sad and these side effects are just as random as the depression often is.
7. Don't take it personally-it's not you
Sometimes we say and do things that people easily take offence to. When your depressed loved one cancels plans with you or snaps, they most likely don't mean it to be mean. I'm not saying they have an excuse, but it's a constant battle, one that isn't always easy to win. As far as plans go, it can be an overwhelming thing to have to interact socially. If they cancel on you, take it in stride. See if there is anything you can do for them. Sometimes they just need more time to rest. Give as much grace as you can. Trust me, if they were completely well, they would probably hang out without a second thought.
6. Let them feel their emotions without criticizing them
For me personally, when I go through my deep parts of depression, I can feel a wide range of emotions, sometimes all in one day. It's anything from intense sadness, to fear, anger, anxiety, and utter hopelessness. Sometimes I burst into tears for no reason and cry until my eyes resemble some sort of puff pastry. But compared to all-consuming apathy, these emotions can seem good because it means we are feeling something. Even if it doesn't make sense to you, let us feel it. Bring a box of tissues or some ice cream. If you love Jesus, bring prayer. Bring a hug and a comforting presence.
5. Don't try to fix it
We get that you just want to help us get better. And we appreciate it more than you know, but you can't exactly fix it yourself. You can encourage us to go see a doctor or a counselor, but that's about it. When you suggest we do deep breathing or a cleanse or hang upside down or any "natural remedies" that you know of, it almost makes us feel worse. Again, it's nothing personal. It just makes us feel weak and we aren't. We do love you, though. Seriously. It shows us you care.
4. Be careful what you say
You should never tell someone who suffers with depression any of the following:
-Just get over it.
-You're making it up. It's all in your head, in how you think.
-Your life is so good though! You have no reason to be sad.
-Other people have it way worse than you.
-I know how you feel, I was really sad when I lost my job.
-Shouldn't you be on some kind of medication for that?
-You're a Christian. Christians can't be depressed.
-Read your Bible more. Worship more. Obviously this is the result of some sin in your life.
These are all horrible. If someone had a broken arm you wouldn't tell them not to go to the doctor or not to get a cast. It's ridiculous to even consider it. Why is depression different? Because the root of the problem is invisible? Because society has made it a taboo subject? It comes with such a negative connotation that it's better to just keep quiet about it (or that's what we're told anyway).
3. Don't stay silent
Just because there are things you shouldn't say, it doesn't mean you shouldn't say anything. Compliments and encouragement are huge. A lot of people wit depression have pretty significant self-esteem issues and feel like they aren't enough in any area of their lives. Ask them how they are doing. Text them. Reach out. Be available.
2. We don't expect you to fully get it
We understand that you aren't inside our heads and can't fully know what it's like to have our own personal struggle. And sometimes we have a hard time communicating, other times we just don't want to. But if we want to try and explain, let us. And you don't have to understand in order to just listen. I personally have found that, even though it's hard, there is so much healing in talking about my depression and anxiety with someone who is just willing to be there and listen. (Don't stop being our friends because you don't know what to say or what to do. Just be.)
1. (This is the most important!) Don't give up on us
A lot of times people struggling with depression push people away out of fear or shame. It seems easier. On the inside, though, we are begging you to stay, to see if you care enough to stick around. Keep hugging us even when we don't hug you back. Keep asking questions about our lives even if you think the answer will just be sad or negative. It shows us that someone cares and we aren't unlovable. It makes us feel less alone-even if we don't know how to say it. Please don't think we don't need you. We need you more than ever.
I think I've said it before, but depression is not a choice. most often it is the result of a chemical imbalance (which is naturally not a conscious decision) and it comes and goes whenever it feels like it. Some people experience it for a short time, others for a lifetime. Please don't keep believing that depressed people are the way they are because they want to be. Most people I know would do anything to make it go away for good.
9. Don't assume anything because you "know" about depression
A lot of people assume they understand what a depressed person is going through because they think they know about depression. That's like saying you know what it's like to be a bear because you've read about them. Even if you have suffered with depression, you probably still won't know exactly what they are going through completely. While many of the symptoms or side effects of depression are the same, they effect everyone differently. It is tailored to each individual. (Though I'm not saying you shouldn't try to empathize or understand, we'll get to that in a bit.) --Side note: I have found that talking with other people currently struggling with depression is quite helpful though even if our forms of depression are not the same.--
8. Accept the side effects even if you don't understand them.
Some of the most common side effects of depression are as follows:
**Exhaustion, anxiety, weight gain, dizziness, irritability, and insomnia, among a host of others.
To people who have not dealt with depression, a lot of these things seem ridiculous in relation to depression, but they are all very real. Just let it happen without trying to explain it away. (Again, not everyone experiences the same things-or in the same way- those are just the most common across the board.) Please know that for a lot of people these impact the simplest things in life, like attitude, getting out of bed, walking across the room, or going to the store. The layers of challenges are ridiculous and often insanely daunting. There is much more beyond just being sad and these side effects are just as random as the depression often is.
7. Don't take it personally-it's not you
Sometimes we say and do things that people easily take offence to. When your depressed loved one cancels plans with you or snaps, they most likely don't mean it to be mean. I'm not saying they have an excuse, but it's a constant battle, one that isn't always easy to win. As far as plans go, it can be an overwhelming thing to have to interact socially. If they cancel on you, take it in stride. See if there is anything you can do for them. Sometimes they just need more time to rest. Give as much grace as you can. Trust me, if they were completely well, they would probably hang out without a second thought.
6. Let them feel their emotions without criticizing them
For me personally, when I go through my deep parts of depression, I can feel a wide range of emotions, sometimes all in one day. It's anything from intense sadness, to fear, anger, anxiety, and utter hopelessness. Sometimes I burst into tears for no reason and cry until my eyes resemble some sort of puff pastry. But compared to all-consuming apathy, these emotions can seem good because it means we are feeling something. Even if it doesn't make sense to you, let us feel it. Bring a box of tissues or some ice cream. If you love Jesus, bring prayer. Bring a hug and a comforting presence.
5. Don't try to fix it
We get that you just want to help us get better. And we appreciate it more than you know, but you can't exactly fix it yourself. You can encourage us to go see a doctor or a counselor, but that's about it. When you suggest we do deep breathing or a cleanse or hang upside down or any "natural remedies" that you know of, it almost makes us feel worse. Again, it's nothing personal. It just makes us feel weak and we aren't. We do love you, though. Seriously. It shows us you care.
4. Be careful what you say
You should never tell someone who suffers with depression any of the following:
-Just get over it.
-You're making it up. It's all in your head, in how you think.
-Your life is so good though! You have no reason to be sad.
-Other people have it way worse than you.
-I know how you feel, I was really sad when I lost my job.
-Shouldn't you be on some kind of medication for that?
-You're a Christian. Christians can't be depressed.
-Read your Bible more. Worship more. Obviously this is the result of some sin in your life.
These are all horrible. If someone had a broken arm you wouldn't tell them not to go to the doctor or not to get a cast. It's ridiculous to even consider it. Why is depression different? Because the root of the problem is invisible? Because society has made it a taboo subject? It comes with such a negative connotation that it's better to just keep quiet about it (or that's what we're told anyway).
3. Don't stay silent
Just because there are things you shouldn't say, it doesn't mean you shouldn't say anything. Compliments and encouragement are huge. A lot of people wit depression have pretty significant self-esteem issues and feel like they aren't enough in any area of their lives. Ask them how they are doing. Text them. Reach out. Be available.
2. We don't expect you to fully get it
We understand that you aren't inside our heads and can't fully know what it's like to have our own personal struggle. And sometimes we have a hard time communicating, other times we just don't want to. But if we want to try and explain, let us. And you don't have to understand in order to just listen. I personally have found that, even though it's hard, there is so much healing in talking about my depression and anxiety with someone who is just willing to be there and listen. (Don't stop being our friends because you don't know what to say or what to do. Just be.)
1. (This is the most important!) Don't give up on us
A lot of times people struggling with depression push people away out of fear or shame. It seems easier. On the inside, though, we are begging you to stay, to see if you care enough to stick around. Keep hugging us even when we don't hug you back. Keep asking questions about our lives even if you think the answer will just be sad or negative. It shows us that someone cares and we aren't unlovable. It makes us feel less alone-even if we don't know how to say it. Please don't think we don't need you. We need you more than ever.
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