I Just Want It to End

     Suicide and depression has been a popular topic the last two days. And it is a topic very near and dear to my heart. Kate Spade died on Wednesday, Anthony Bourdain died Thursday. Anyone not living under a rock knows that they both took their own lives. And I'm certain countless other "non-celebrities" took their own lives those same days, too. Regardless of status, people are dying. There have been tons of articles popping up about the 2 celebrities, depression in general, people posting the Suicide Hotline number. Those are all great and everything. Every little bit helps, really. But I want to talk about what isn't helpful. I want to talk about the reality of suicide, suicidal ideation, and depression. I want to talk about the people who talk and give their opinion when they don't understand. I want to talk about everything messy and awful and horrible that goes along with this disease known as depression, because like it or not, it's reality for way too many people.

     Something I've witnessed over time, with the suicides of celebrities and "regular" people alike is that outsiders think that suicide is the "easy way out". Another thing people say quite frequently is that suicide is selfish. I want to speak to both of these things because frankly, they make me really angry. For anyone who struggles with depression or who has suicidal ideations, it just sounds ignorant. Let me explain why. (Now let me preface with this. As many of you know, I struggle with depression and have for several years. While I've not ever attempted suicide or been on the verge of doing so, I've had suicidal ideations several times,. It's not difficult for me to imagine what it would take to push me over that edge. With that being said, I'm speaking from a place of experience and not just ranting about a "hot topic". And in talking with friends who have had similar struggles, I think lots of people will agree.)

     When you deal with depression on a regular basis, for most people daily, very little is easy. Not getting out of bed or brushing your teeth or eating or going to work. It's not easy being around people and having to pretend that everything is okay. It's not easy doing anything that is "normal" or that appears simple to most people. Doing the dishes somehow drains all your energy. All you want to do is sleep, because at least then you don't have to deal with anything. When you're awake it's this unbelievable physical and mental pain that kind of swallows you up from the inside out. It feels like you are completely alone in the world, like no one can possibly understand what is going on in your head or your body. You can't explain it to anyone, not even yourself because you don't understand it either. You start to believe that everyone would be better off without you. And no, it's not because you are throwing a pity party or trying to get attention, but you actually believe it. No one needs to be burdened by your problems or your presence. You believe that no one will miss you if you just stopped existing. I know it sounds dramatic, but it's accurate. To call suicide the "easy way out" isn't fair. Most people who struggle with depression have tried so many things they've lost count. Some helped for a short time and others were more like a Band-aid on a bullet wound. You start to feel as though you are out of options and the pain continues like the Energizer bunny. All you want to do is make it stop. And let us be honest, thinking about suicide in any way is not easy, especially when you are thinking about it in regards to yourself. It is a terrifying thought. It's almost enough to make the blood slow in our veins. We wonder how, when, and if people will care. We wonder how much it might hurt and if it would be worth it. But somehow above all that is just the overwhelming feeling of pain and somehow simultaneous emptiness. It's not knowing up from down. Not knowing how you can possibly live with it another day. You don't feel like you have any other options. The counselor didn't help. The medicine wasn't enough. God didn't take it away. You feel like if you tell one more person you will literally explode. They don't understand what is going on inside your head. It's not an "easy way out". 

     And the thing I hate the most is when people call suicide "selfish". From an outside perspective, it might seem that way. How could they think of taking their own life? That isn't theirs to take, people say. What about the poor people? They left behind? They should have just gotten help. I'm going to try and say this as plainly and honestly as I can. It isn't as simple as that. Suicide might seem selfish, but you have to look at it from another perspective. I believe that depression is a mental illness, a disease. It deteriorates your thoughts and your beliefs. It changes how you used to think and feel and tries to make you into a different person. Sometimes the disease wins. Many would then use the rebuttal of, "Well, suicide is still a choice." Maybe to a degree, it is. Is the depressed person actually doing the killing? Yes. But you have to remember that this is something that has eaten away at them. They don't know what else to do. They feel like they are at the end of their rope and are so tired of hurting every second of their life. They try to remember what life was like before depression and they can't. They wonder if they will be able to know life without depression again and there is no answer. Sure, God could heal them. Sure, it might go away. Sure, it might get better but there are no guarantees. Would you call someone selfish if they died from cancer even though they got all the treatment they could? No, you wouldn't, because cancer is a disease where you can see the effects. Sometimes chemotherapy works and the patient is cured of their cancer. It's great! They can go their whole lives free of the cancer. But sometimes it doesn't work and the end still comes. Why is depression different? Sometimes a person with depression will find that magical thing that works and they get better, not really dealing with depression any longer. Other times it ends with suicide. I mentioned earlier someone asking why the person just didn't get help. Imagine, you have depression and suicidal thoughts. You've heard people around you describe those who commit suicide as selfish and weak. Would you want to seek out help from those who called you selfish and weak? Would you think, in a brain that is sick and hurting, that they could help you? No. You would do the only thing you knew to do. You would stop the pain, no matter the cost. In your head at the time, you don't see it as selfish. You see it as freedom. 

     While we are wrapping up the conversation, let me say this. I honestly 100% do not believe that a Christian who commits suicide goes to hell. There is nothing in the Bible that says this. It is not the unpardonable sin. It is not unforgivable. God does not stop loving you because you take your own life. God does not disown you. And Christians can have a great walk with God and have depression. They can have the strongest faith, the best church, memorize Scripture and pray every single day and still have depression. It has nothing to do with how good of a Christian you are. Depression is not the result of a sin and it doesn't linger because your faith is too weak. I want to make that point very clear. People will try to say that Jesus is healer and so you don't need to take anti-depressants. Part of that sentence is true. Jesus is healer, but that doesn't mean He chooses to heal every time. There is nothing wrong with anti-depressants. You wouldn't tell someone with a broken leg not to put a cast on it because Jesus is the healer, would you?
     Please understand me. I am not advocating suicide. I want to end this epidemic as much as the next person, maybe more. I'm merely trying to talk about what it's really like to be on this side of the conversation and explain why it isn't that simple. I want to normalize talk of depression and suicide because it is reality; it is big in our culture right now. That doesn't make it a good thing, but it makes it part of our fallen world. I do believe that God is powerful and gives us strength and grace. I do believe that people are capable of living with active depression. I believe that sometimes it just goes away and sometimes medication works wonders. I don't believe it's never too late to try and reach out; however, I'm also not so ignorant as to pretend I know what the reasoning is behind a suicide, nor am I willing to ignore the reality of what really goes on behind the scenes of depression and suicide. 

     It's okay if you don't agree with everything I've said or if you think I'm wrong. Really, it's okay. We are allowed to have different opinions, different view points. I would love to have a conversation about it, though. I want to leave this open to anything that needs to be said. This discussion is so important and we can't let it fall back by the wayside when we forget about Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. It's easy to focus on when a famous person has died, but we mustn't forget all of those we have loved and lost to suicide. We can't ignore those around us who are struggling. We need to be willing to stand up and say that mental health is important and must not be overlooked anymore. We cannot afford to brush this under the rug because it is uncomfortable or because we don't know where we stand. It's okay to not know. It's not okay to keep it quiet.