Of Love and Tumbleweeds
I've been thinking a lot the past few days about love, particularly in the context of romantic love. It seems to be all around me, pressing in on me from every side. And it's nice sometimes. Other times it is incredibly annoying, knowing I don't have it. So I asked God why I seem to be the only one going without here. Instead of directly answering me like I wanted Him to, He said, "My challenge for you is to think outside the box of romantic love. I want you to love the people around you in the best ways you know how. Do whatever you can and it will be a great adventure." It was such a simple thing, yet it totally shifted my perspective. I was so focused on romantic love that I was completely turning a blind eye to all the beautiful kinds of love surrounding me, the ones I do have.
In this same way, I'm learning more what the love of Jesus looks like towards me. So far I've seen that He shows He loves me by wanting to spend time with me. We have gone on a few dates this week (an idea I got from a book I'm reading), and it has really enhanced my meaning of the word "relationship" in regards to Jesus. The first date, we literally sat at a table, drinking coffee and I colored a picture. It was not earth shattering or life-altering. Or was it? See, Jesus didn't do any deep revealing of mysteries about my life that day, but it was almost as if He were sitting across from me at the table. We didn't really need to talk, though we did a little. It was just peaceful moments spending time in each other's company, just sitting with Him.
Today He took me to the park. Now this park is my favorite park in the area. It's not anything out of the ordinary as parks go, but that has been OUR park from sometime since early last year. We've experienced high highs and low lows together there. Anyway, we went there today. It has just been a rough week in a few ways, with the enemy bringing up a lot of crap from my past about me being unwanted and un-worth it among other things. While the family was dispersing for a bit, I was starting to have an anxiety episode and had to get out of the house. Of course. The park was where I had to go. (Jesus even showed me which side to park on. It wasn't the side I wanted, but now I see why He did it.) Once I parked, I heard Him say He wanted to show me something. So I just took one of the paths and asked Him to tell me where we were going. After walking a few minutes, I reached a fence with a break in it that led to our favorite spot. I'll do my best to paint a picture of it for you....
Once you leave the paved path, you step onto dirt, then to hundreds of huge rocks. Below the rocks is a creek. It's mostly wet sand with small streams of running water. The water splashes over large rocks and gives an almost ocean-like effect. The sun always seems to be shining on it just right. Though it seems simple, the place seems to tangibly teem with hope. Last summer God took me walking in that creek, so it has always been a favorite of mine. Today He had me sit and close my eyes and just listen. He ever so gently whispered to my heart His love for me could be seen in the little things all around me. The way the sun shone on the water and the sound of the wind in the trees, but most of all in the sound of the water rolling over the rocks. That has always been one of my favorite sounds. Somehow it just brings me peace and really calms my heart. He told me that He loved seeing me enjoy that sound, that He did it for me. That was the reason I am wanted and worth it, because He loves me. Even when things don't make sense, and I struggle and cry out to Him, sometimes on a minute-by-minute basis. He was enough. Then I had myself a good, healing cry and turned to pick my way over the rocks back up to the main path.
I was just hitting dirt when I found a large tumbleweed in front of me. It appeared to be stuck in the ground, kept there by some strange force. I peered at it closely, having been fascinated by tumbleweeds ever since we moved to Colorado. This one looked particularly bedraggled, half of it bare and the other half bearing strange brown tufts. It was unlike any tumbleweed I had ever seen. It was then the Lord spoke to my heart a truth I had been so unwittingly desperate for. He whispered, "Your life is like this tumbleweed. It feels messy and bedraggled. But it's winter. The bad has to come before the good and your good is coming. The beauty will come out of the brokenness." I snapped a picture with my phone and breathed an odd sigh of relief. Now tumbleweeds are quite beautiful before they become dry and detach from the root. The flowers are lovely colors and pretty. Compared side by side, they don't even see like the same plant. When they dry out, when winter comes, they are ugly. But spring always comes. Plants flower again. That same dry tumbleweed I saw today won't grow roots again and bloom. But new ones will. And so will I. After this season, I won't be the same person, but rather closer to becoming the me I'm supposed to be. Tumbleweeds are often associated with desolate and dry places. But eventually even flowers grow in the dessert. Beauty always comes from brokenness.
That simple visit to the park today with Jesus reminded me once again that I am loved beyond measure and that the Lord has plans for me. He cares for my heart so tenderly and He loves showing how. He doesn't mind taking the time to explain to my stubborn self that He loves me and that beauty always come, even when life seems unbearably dry and desolate. I won't be living that tumbleweed life forever. It's just another color added to the painting He's doing of my life.
In this same way, I'm learning more what the love of Jesus looks like towards me. So far I've seen that He shows He loves me by wanting to spend time with me. We have gone on a few dates this week (an idea I got from a book I'm reading), and it has really enhanced my meaning of the word "relationship" in regards to Jesus. The first date, we literally sat at a table, drinking coffee and I colored a picture. It was not earth shattering or life-altering. Or was it? See, Jesus didn't do any deep revealing of mysteries about my life that day, but it was almost as if He were sitting across from me at the table. We didn't really need to talk, though we did a little. It was just peaceful moments spending time in each other's company, just sitting with Him.
Today He took me to the park. Now this park is my favorite park in the area. It's not anything out of the ordinary as parks go, but that has been OUR park from sometime since early last year. We've experienced high highs and low lows together there. Anyway, we went there today. It has just been a rough week in a few ways, with the enemy bringing up a lot of crap from my past about me being unwanted and un-worth it among other things. While the family was dispersing for a bit, I was starting to have an anxiety episode and had to get out of the house. Of course. The park was where I had to go. (Jesus even showed me which side to park on. It wasn't the side I wanted, but now I see why He did it.) Once I parked, I heard Him say He wanted to show me something. So I just took one of the paths and asked Him to tell me where we were going. After walking a few minutes, I reached a fence with a break in it that led to our favorite spot. I'll do my best to paint a picture of it for you....
Once you leave the paved path, you step onto dirt, then to hundreds of huge rocks. Below the rocks is a creek. It's mostly wet sand with small streams of running water. The water splashes over large rocks and gives an almost ocean-like effect. The sun always seems to be shining on it just right. Though it seems simple, the place seems to tangibly teem with hope. Last summer God took me walking in that creek, so it has always been a favorite of mine. Today He had me sit and close my eyes and just listen. He ever so gently whispered to my heart His love for me could be seen in the little things all around me. The way the sun shone on the water and the sound of the wind in the trees, but most of all in the sound of the water rolling over the rocks. That has always been one of my favorite sounds. Somehow it just brings me peace and really calms my heart. He told me that He loved seeing me enjoy that sound, that He did it for me. That was the reason I am wanted and worth it, because He loves me. Even when things don't make sense, and I struggle and cry out to Him, sometimes on a minute-by-minute basis. He was enough. Then I had myself a good, healing cry and turned to pick my way over the rocks back up to the main path.
I was just hitting dirt when I found a large tumbleweed in front of me. It appeared to be stuck in the ground, kept there by some strange force. I peered at it closely, having been fascinated by tumbleweeds ever since we moved to Colorado. This one looked particularly bedraggled, half of it bare and the other half bearing strange brown tufts. It was unlike any tumbleweed I had ever seen. It was then the Lord spoke to my heart a truth I had been so unwittingly desperate for. He whispered, "Your life is like this tumbleweed. It feels messy and bedraggled. But it's winter. The bad has to come before the good and your good is coming. The beauty will come out of the brokenness." I snapped a picture with my phone and breathed an odd sigh of relief. Now tumbleweeds are quite beautiful before they become dry and detach from the root. The flowers are lovely colors and pretty. Compared side by side, they don't even see like the same plant. When they dry out, when winter comes, they are ugly. But spring always comes. Plants flower again. That same dry tumbleweed I saw today won't grow roots again and bloom. But new ones will. And so will I. After this season, I won't be the same person, but rather closer to becoming the me I'm supposed to be. Tumbleweeds are often associated with desolate and dry places. But eventually even flowers grow in the dessert. Beauty always comes from brokenness.
That simple visit to the park today with Jesus reminded me once again that I am loved beyond measure and that the Lord has plans for me. He cares for my heart so tenderly and He loves showing how. He doesn't mind taking the time to explain to my stubborn self that He loves me and that beauty always come, even when life seems unbearably dry and desolate. I won't be living that tumbleweed life forever. It's just another color added to the painting He's doing of my life.
Comments
Post a Comment