The Lovely Little Introvert

     Is it terribly odd that I'm struggling with what to write about this year? Normally this post is a breeze and I quite enjoy it, yet somehow I don't know what to say about 2018...            For starters, the Lord really blessed us this year. We celebrated our first wedding anniversary. We bought our first house. We adopted/rescued Tora, Charlie, Suki and Mama. We began to pay off some debt. I left Starbucks and started working as a caregiver-my first new job in five years! I got to go see my family in August. I took some time to figure myself out-a work in progress, honestly. I'm sure there are tons more things I can't think of right now, too. But it's been a bit of a challenging year also. Jake's been really struggling with pain and difficulties with his job. Plus we are working opposite schedules so we don't see much of each other during the week. We've been dealing with behavioral issues between the pups. In August I found out I was going to be a

     More often than not, big leaps of faith are scary. Usually they involve change, and let's be honest, none of us are big fans of change. Me in particular. Change is not my thing. Except when it is. Recently I began asking God for something different, seeking out changes in the area of my job. What did I want to do with my life? What would give me the purpose I was desperately longing for? Well, what were my passions? What type of job would not make me hate going to work every day? All these questions seemed to go unanswered for a long time. I got very restless, waiting for some sort of miracle, a note in my mailbox telling me exactly what I ought to do. But life doesn't work that way. So I began exploring just one question: What makes me come alive?      The answer to that question was actually easier than I thought. After prayer and much thought, I realized that the one thing across the board that really makes me feel alive is helping people. It's so broad, I realize,

     They say you blink and one day your kids are grown, moving away and starting lives of their own. They tell all new parents to enjoy all the stages, even the hard ones, because you don't get them back. They should give this advice to siblings, too. Especially the ones that grow up together.      I had the privilege of spending 5 days in Virginia with my family in August. Bear in mind this is was the first time the four of us had been together since Karissa and I both moved away. On some levels, it felt exactly the same. The boys were a little taller and their voices a little deeper. Otherwise not much had changed. Then we spent a few days together, did some things. We played board games and laughed hysterically like we always do. But there was such an underlying air of difference that couldn't be ignored. We ad our own obligations, things to plan for and take into consideration. The boys were preparing for a new school year and youth group leadership positions. Karissa and

     For those of you who don't know me terribly well, I can be extremely stubborn. And very pessimistic. And a total pain in the butt. Ever since I was a little girl I wouldn't do anything unless it was my idea (even if someone told me to do it first). Annoying for everyone else, I know. Well recently, the Lord has been showing me some pretty uncomfortable things about myself through the eyes of my lovely husband.       For starters, stubbornness often masquerades as pride. Depression is easy to use as a crutch for laziness. Sometimes being right gets in the way of being better. Nearly everything is a choice. More often than not, life does not happen to you, you happen to your life. Anything worth having, doing, or becoming has to be worked hard for. Nothing is free or automatic. Difficulty is guaranteed in life. There is no real easy way out. There are always consequences, good or bad. God is standing by you, even when you think you've run as far away as you can.     

     Suicide and depression has been a popular topic the last two days. And it is a topic very near and dear to my heart. Kate Spade died on Wednesday, Anthony Bourdain died Thursday. Anyone not living under a rock knows that they both took their own lives. And I'm certain countless other "non-celebrities" took their own lives those same days, too. Regardless of status, people are dying. There have been tons of articles popping up about the 2 celebrities, depression in general, people posting the Suicide Hotline number. Those are all great and everything. Every little bit helps, really. But I want to talk about what isn't helpful. I want to talk about the reality of suicide, suicidal ideation, and depression. I want to talk about the people who talk and give their opinion when they don't understand. I want to talk about everything messy and awful and horrible that goes along with this disease known as depression, because like it or not, it's reality for way to

         When I was in middle school, I had a youth pastor who loved to use the phrase "fake it 'til you make it." He would use it during youth group sermons for all sorts of different scenarios. At the time, I thought it was the best thing ever, so I didn't question it at all. Recently, though, I have been thinking about it more. I think I've come to the conclusion that it's total crap. Or it kind of makes sense and perhaps the phrasing is just awful. Let me explain.      I think when you are struggling, there is a real danger in being fake until you make it back to okay. If you don't reach out for help you might not even make it back. I have experienced this often in my life, taking the phrase a little too literally, believing that I shouldn't be bothering people with my problems. I could just "fake it 'til I make it" and everything will be dandy. Hey, guess what? It doesn't really work like that.      I also believe that